I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
