I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
