I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
