I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
