Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
