just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
