You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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