oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
