my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
