I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize