My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
FUCK WHALES
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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