Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
