found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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