its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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