I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
