had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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