my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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