The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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