I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
