I think I won the penis lottery.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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