dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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