Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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