Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
