Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize