shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
