Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
