So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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