I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
