I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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