You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
