i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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