Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
