Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
