Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ketchup is God's man juice
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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