Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
