i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
