Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
