wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
