Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
