where am i from again
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
