She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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