are you so shy because you have an std?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
