So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
