I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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