Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
