His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
