Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize