Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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