So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you had me at cake vodka
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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