i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
