Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
