I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
