On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I love having hate sex.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
