Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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