I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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