You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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